Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thangcalledlove's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 28th, 2007
8:51 pm	Letter II Hello there. I think about the simple things. Just wanting to do the little simple things. I mean, with someone. And I think about wonderfully simple things that so often get overlooked, but could become such wonderful adventures. And I think about being comfortable with someone. Beyond even a lack of awkwardness and a lack of broken bridges, beyond feeling totally at ease with someone… a comfortable of being with someone who you know wants to be there, wants to be with you. Wants to be with you because they genuinely enjoy your company. Comfortable in knowledge of mutual appreciation, adoration even. Comfortable outside the fear of judgment. I miss that. I’m supposed to love people like Jesus loved people. And He loved people just because they WERE, whatever they were. Loved them with a consistent, unconditional love that knows no limits and will never run dry. I’m trying to do that. There’s something incredibly centering about acknowledging every person’s profound equality- the equality that is difficult and uncomfortable to see- and then trying loving them all at least a little bit (and hopefully significantly more), simply because they are. But of course, I have favorites. There are still a few people I honestly and truly care about. Like my dear friend, him. Yesterday, his eyes looked so very full and so very void of anything resembling happiness or hope. He was trying to hold it together and to hold it inside, because it is his way and because he has a great strength born of a quiet and sort of secret fear. And I knew he truly didn’t want me, but I also knew that I truly did not want him to be alone. I wanted to touch him and hold him and let my hands say the things that seemed to swirl like cotton somewhere at the bottom of my throat and refuse to solidify. But I hesitated, honestly because I was afraid of his skin rejecting my fingertips and his body rejecting my weight. I feared that my touch would only serve as a reminder that my touch was not the one his entire being was craving. He is not deeply mine. I suppose he’s mine in a pleasant, flowing and gentle sort of way, but not deeply so. Not the kind of belonging you really don’t realize you’ve chosen until after you’ve given yourself away or collected enough of someone to keep. Not the kind of belonging that feels like it’s a choice you’re making as much as it feels like inhaling sweet air to fill themselves is a choice your lungs are making. It’s not in the way that I can only breathe properly and the rhythm of his heart only sounds quite right when we’re in each other’s arms. No, he’s not mine in that sense. And I am not his. But we are so comfortable, and his consistency has sustained me more than once when I thought my footing was falling out from underneath me, and he’s given me a place to rest when I thought I had no bed to sleep in. So there is a cherished comfort, but there’s precious more… he’s a sweet emblem of hope. Hope that it’s all going to work out, and that it will all feel right. I began to love him those years ago because he kissed the hand that held my wild and untamable beliefs and dreams; he told me that the sky was the limit- and that the sky is merely an illusion. My love for him still glows strong. All too often, these possessions and belongings and connections are at first blissfully ignorantly viewed as inherently flawless. All too often, they soon are viewed as tragically and fatally flawed due to their inevitable lack perfection. Which leaves two questions about connections: Can they ever truly cease entirely, and can they really last? Just kind of wondering. Love, (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
10:14 pm	just something i've noticed people are so, so beautiful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:12 pm	A Letter I A letter. Why is a letter called a letter? I mean if we’re going to get even a little technical, shouldn’t it be “letters”? Because a letter is made up of words, which are made up of letters. Not just one. Maybe it’s like when someone says, “can I have word?”- they don’t want ONE word. They most likely want several. Or more. But someone is much more likely to agree to listen to A word than “several hundred words”. That just sounds tedious. If someone asked me for “several hundred words”, I might just say no. So I have taken a strong liking to brown eyeliner. Not a lot of it, and not a dark coco brown, more of a java color, a burnt sienna. Something with a hint of maroon. It’s partially a function of what I can find, I suppose. If I had a black pencil in my hand, I’d probably be almost just as likely to quickly dash that over and inside my lash-lines. But the color I have is called Mambo, or maybe Tango, and it seems to draw the green and the depth out of my eyes, while black seems to concentrate and pronounced. I’m fine not being too pronounced right now; I like the freedom of brown. It’s all been said, really. There’s really nothing left that I’m afraid to say, nothing that hasn’t been said before. It’s rather pacifying. I mean, there’s a little bit of me that will suddenly realize that it’s true that everything’s been said, but also that everything’s changed or that nothing has changed, and it will want to panic. It will turn it’s head from side to side, slowly and searching at first, then swinging and sharply. Its eyes will widen, and its heart will start to race, and then breathing will become difficult. The little part may start to hyperventilate, will feel that it needs to run away and break the bonds ahat nd defy the present reality, or that it needs to scream and yell: scream like a Who on a little speck of dust, scream that it is THERE and must not be boiled. Scream that it needs to have some control, that it can’t handle simply being blown ever which way on the whims of the wind, that it either needs the power to at least influence the direction of its dustspeck, or that someone at least needs to set it down safe on a very soft clover. But the little bit is subdued. Sometimes a little cruelly, like a hallucenating person being secured for an asylum. But usually it will be spoken to softly, allowed to cry, encouraged to breathe, and told not to be too scared of wherever the wind will take it. And it will be reminded, it will be convinced that there IS someone holding my little dustspeck. And so I go on. I’m not subduing myself, and I’m not being overly dramatic. I’m not censoring myself for anyone else’s benefit, just because I make them uncomfortable (as long as I’m not being hurtful or cruel, and of course I’m taking other people’s feelings into consideration, but still). I’ve given up the power struggle, but I’m still holding onto my hope. I feel pretty free. Love, (Comment on this)
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
9:21 pm	i'm posting on livejournal. how sad. but i feel like it. well i finally got the rest of the songs on the Joshua Radin album, and they are of course amazing. this will mark year number four of ALMOST going to Coachella. haha. i still go back and forth between feeling like Holyoke would be THE school, and then Pepperdine... and now i'm thinking about EL as well... i just want to make the right choice. for the right reasons. but my heart keeps confusing me as to what the right reasons are. i like bubbly water a lot. i know this sounds weak, but i want someone to hold my hand during my doctor's appointments. i don't go with my parents anymore because having them there makes it worse, but honestly, the experiences are just awful. i get there and i'm scared, of the results, of the consequences, of reality. and then i have to sit there in an empty room and wait for my results. i thought i was going to be sick today. and then the nurse or doctor or clinic director walks in and i get the disbelief, anger, or pity and concern just shining out of their eyes. and i have to hold it all together and smile and them or feign indifference and listen as they re-itirate what they mean, how bad they are, or if they're particularly kind, how i just have to keep trying. but i have to hold it together so that i can get out of there ASAP. and then there's the awful few mintues in the parking lot after where it all hits me, and it's all too real. then i guess i drift back into denial. honestly, this all feels so overplayed. it is so overplayed. i'm so over it. i'm so over all of it. but that doens't make it go away. wish you were here. wish i knew you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 7th, 2007
3:58 pm	hurt me. hurt me, if you must. there's honestly little damage left to be done... but please, please stop hurting others! it's not even that i'm particularly attatched to everyone being hurt, but it's WRONG! and more than that, it's just utterly careless. you'd hardly have to go out of your way to not only prevent the pain, but bring some joy. and i don't think i think that you're selfish deep down. maybe that makes me naive, but please... don't let my faith in you go to waste. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
6:46 pm	spooky? jazz took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs to feel identified with someone or something..." Click here to read the rest of the results. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2007
1:50 pm	Oh the Roads I think, he's so fresh and young and tender but by this time you were almost making what you thought was love to girls in the back seat of your car and with one tangy metallic confession I suddenly claimed more innosence than you You drove here at dawn because I couldn't sleep and we gently pressed our fingertips into each other to reassure ourselves of the tangible softness and safety but somehow from the early warm morning to the blah-ish afternoon you still emerged as the one who was rough and jaded I, weak, and inexcusably wounded But dearheart, the jaded color does not become you I'll wear it, it will fall into the middle of my eyes I may never see you I may not even know who you are but I'll take it- it'll teach me so drop the load that is no penance but a weighty and useless punishment for all and walk lightly along your own way we were so fresh and young and tender i think i am still (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
10:58 pm	patrick let me burn "the color purple". and i'm here. I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP BREATH. GONNA HOLD MY HEAD UP. GONNA PUT MY SHOULDERS BACK, AND LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE. I'M GONNA FLIRT WITH SOMEBODY WHEN THEY WALK BY. I'M GONNA SING OUT . . . SING OUT. I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE. WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE. AND I'M THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN, BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'. BUT MOST OF ALL I'M THANKFUL FOR LOVING WHO I REALLY AM. I'M BEAUTIFUL. YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL, AND I'M HERE. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
2:34 pm	The Heart of Life I hate to see you cry Laying there in that position There's things you need to hear So turn off your tears and listen Pain throws you heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No, it won't all go the way, it should But I know the heart of life is good You know it's nothing new Bad news never had good timing But then the circle of your friends Will defend the silver lining Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No, it won't all go the way, it should But I know the heart of life is good Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around Fear is a friend who's misunderstood But I know the heart of life is good I know it's good (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
7:39 pm	work break! i HAVE actually been working! amazing, i know. and i don't feel like thinking right now. wheeeee!!! i like this whole not thinking thin. it's nice. 1. Who is the last person you held hands with? ha um? this is depressing. 2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? i woudln't be drafted. i'm female. the weaker sex. inferior. diabetic. etc. and i don't like war.i'd probably get shot instead of shooting someone. 3. Where were you 30 min ago? exercising. 4. Do you drink milk out of the carton? ... on occassion. i think it's icky when other people do it, so i usually refrain. 5. Have you ever won a spelling bee? no. ha most definately no. (the chances of that being spelled correctly are slim) 6. Were your parents cool in high school? my mom claims everyone liked her because she was nice to everyone and went on one date with everyone who asked her, but she was only homecoming court and apparently my aunt janet was the "pretty one" and was homecoming queen. i don't see that she's prettier than my mom, but her daughters ARE the hott ones, so who knows. but then i remember something about her breaking down and crying because she had no friends... really, who knows? i bet my dad was cool. a musician and what not. 7. How fast can you type? not quite as fast as a secretary. like i'm not quite as witty as lindsay. so um a good deal less fast. 8. Are you afraid of the dark? when i'm alone in my house, i get kind of frightened. but i play like i did when i was 5, surround myself with pillows and stuffed animals, put my head under the covers and imagine that they come to life and protect me if something bad tries to happen to me while i'm inside the magic tent area 9. Eye color? ocean blue 10. How old are you? eighteen. yes, adult men and pedaphiles everywhere are dancing for joy. 11. When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower? i used to love baths. i would put soap in and "herd" the bubbles. i would soak in a bath for hours. now i pretty much shower, because my shower is clean and quick and i really have no baths. 12. What's your deepest, darkest fear? yes... allow me to just post that for everyone to see. because it's not at all personal. ... along that line of thinking, i really shouldn't be doing htis, should i? 13. Are you drinking anything right now? water 14. Are you single right now? yes sir. or ma'am. 15. Can you hula hoop? ha these hips can do things you can't imagine. like spin a hula hoop around themselves 3 and a half times. 16. Are you good at keeping secrets..? yes. if someone says it's a secret, it's a secret. 17. What do you want for Christmas? can't tell you that. 18. Do you know the Muffin Man? well, i did. but according to my media sources, he created this monster gingerbread man thing that apparently drowned in a river in a daring princess/ogre rescue attempt. (you KNOW you watched shrek 2.) the muffin man subsequently grew very depressed... and then died. (I like Lindsay's answer too much to chantge it) 19. Do you talk in your sleep? barely. Jade's te real sleep talker. she'll talk back too you and tell you about the lava and the teddy bears and the world on the purple star planet and ask you for the REAL money 20. Who wrote the book of love? ... i haven't seen American Pie? 21. Have you ever flown a kite? yes, i love flying kites. i was actually kind of obsessed with merry poppins when i was little. i used to go into the canyons between my house and fly kites all the time. i've actually been thinking that i really want to fly a kite lately, actually. i should to that. 22. Are your parents divorced? nope. 23. Do you consider yourself successful? i havne't accomplished all i want to accomplish. i'm far from perfect. but life is a proccess. i'm dynamic. so sure. 24. How many people are on your contact list on your cell? i have no idea. 25. Current hair color? it used to be goldie bronzie. now it's kind of turning reddish. so lets go with golide bronzie copperish. 26. Plans for tomorrow? ummm math? 27. When was the last time you said "I love you" and to who? Kris, a couple of hours ago? 28. How do you feel today? fine fine fine giggly giggles above indifferent fineeeeeeee 29. Are you loved? i hope so 30. What color is the sky? right now? blackish. 31. Are you a romantic? i was. then you know, life happens. and you realize it's all about songs and being caught in the moment and shiney things and sweat and everyone keeps promising and imagining these happy endings until they give up and accept the fact that it's a temporary arm and the spotligt fades and the romance novel doesn't resolve. and you decide that you're fine with that. and then you hear a song and see the ocean or something and you think maybe there's hope. no, i'm not actually that emo in real life. anymore. :P ...but maybe i still am a romantic. 32. Are you black? i have a black name and a black voice and i like black writers. but no. oh, and ethnic guys seeem to like me 33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? i prefer to ditch 34. What are you looking forward to? so much 35. Have you ever crawled through a window? yes. i break in through windows. i've done it multiple times. i'm more flexibgle and compressible than one might expect. actually, i'm not flexible at all. but somehow i can get into windows. ... is somehow a word? i honestly have no idea. 36. Ever snuck out of your house? um no. i've snuck in thoug. 37. Have you ever eaten dog food? um no. i helped convince jade that a brand of dog food was a brand of chocolate cheerios though. and my friend sarah and i ate horse treats. 38. Can you handle the truth? i'm not sure 39. Do you like green eggs and ham? um who doesn't? 40. What 2 things do you almost always bring w/you to places? blood sugar checker and insulin 41. Any cool scars? no, not really. emotional scars.** ** i don't know what noise epitomises emo, but insert that noise 42. Do you like or have a crush on anyone? no 43. How many kids do you plan on having? ... i want to know who the speaker in that was that linds was talking about. but i'm not sure. i do think i want kids though. we'll see. 45. Have you ever been in love? i do think so. 46. Do you talk to yourself? oh, yes i do. sometimes when i think i should write things down, but i don't really feel like it (especially since i don't do that much), i talk to myself instead. ... why do i talk to bloody much? 47. Is there something you want that you can't have? no, nope, nohting at all. 48. Personality, looks, or nice watermelons? watermelons. ha, i think i'll go with personality 49.What are you thinking about right now? oh nothing. blissful, isn't it? 50. Who did you last hug? kris. 51. Where is your cell phone? who knows 52. What was the last thing you ate? corn and broccoli. yummmmm. 53. What does your last text message say? "goodnight jazz!" 54. Favorite color(s)? maroon. foresty greens. black. 55. What is the last movie watched? um... ummm... ummmmm... dangit. 56. What song do you currently hear? none. 57. What do you want? oh nothing. nothing at all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 11th, 2006
11:17 am	someone is listening to the sarah mclaughlin Christmas CD. it's kind of hindering my progress. feel like writing some good old fashioned emo poetry anyone? anyone? i'm going to go work on the college apps i am very unlikely to finish now. i need a new hobby. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 9th, 2006
6:55 pm	Song that I most embodied weeks ago: All this feels strange and untrue And I won't waste a minute without you My bones ache, my skin feels cold And I'm getting so tired and so old The anger swells in my guts And I won't feel these slices and cuts I want so much to open your eyes Cos I need you to look into mine Tell me that you'll open your eyes Get up, get out, get away from these liars Cos they don't get your soul or your fire Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time Every minute from this minute now We can do what we like anywhere I want so much to open your eyes Cos I need you to look into mine Tell me that you'll open your eyes All this feels strange and untrue And I won't waste a minute without you ... Song that I'm embodying now: I pack my case. I check my face. I look a little bit older. I look a little bit colder. With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer. I move a little bit closer. For reasons unknown. I caught my stride. I flew and flied. I know if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind. But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to. And my eyes, they don’t see you no more. And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you no more. For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown. There was an open chair. We sat down in the open chair. I said if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind. But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to. And my eyes, they don’t see you no more. And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you at all. For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown. I said my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to and my eyes don’t recognize you no more. And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you no more. For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown. I don't know. I don't know. I'm fine. I'm legitamately fine. But I don't know if I care. That kind of scares me. But that's just how it is. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 6th, 2006
10:46 pm	Letters from Greece... that I didn't send Hello love- I'm writing tis from the CDG airport, and I just facebooked you a few minutes ago. And yes, I just used "facebook" as a verb. You probably won't read this until I get home, but it's mostly the thought that counts, right? You know what newspaper I want to have delivered to my house? The International Herald Tribune. It's printed by the New York Times. But I really think that it's the most relevant newspaper I've seen. Have you heard the song "Green Eyes", by Coldplay? As a fellow green-eyed girl, I think you'd appreciate it. S yes. Now we're on the plane. We're in business class, easily distinguished from economy by the table-like aparatus that folds down over the middle seat in every row in the place of a third passenger. I usually like the aisle seats because they tend to feel less clastrophobic than other seats, but I'm by the window and I'm excited for what I'm thinking could very well be a beautiful view. Oh, I met a boy! His name is Neville; he's a tall French boy in his 20's who works at the Park Hyatt in Paris. He has charmingly bright blue-green eyes and a darling British-sounding accent when he speaks English. He helped me with my luggage this morning. You know what song makes me feel "honey"? (Check with me for clarification of terms). Panic! At the Disco, I think it's called, "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off". I'm listening to my ipod right now. Well not anymore, becaue we're preparing to take off. Which makes it pretty bumpy, which makes writing htis pretty difficult. So I'm going to take a break until we're flying high. Well we're over Greece now. We were supposed to have a layover of over 2 hours in Athens, but this flight was delayed an hour and there's an hour time difference here, so now we're going to have to rush to make it on time. Oh darling, I'm sorry you didn't get the part you wanted. I know how that feels all too well. But don't let anyone's cast list define you. As much as you do become it in a weird way, you are not your part. Besides, some of the most fun I've ever had was when I was in ther ensemble. I've made some of my closest friends that way. I dout this is very serious or extremely Upsetting to you, and I'm probably partially reacting to my own past emotions and sympathies. I do have som actress in my heart, so I seem to be a bit dramatic about matters regarding the stage and things in close proximity to it. There were times I got a too set on a role or placement and a little too disapointed with my casting, or lack there of. But yoou live and learn; I always learned something from it or gained an determination or passion or sense of realization or clarity. And it's part of the job. You know, I think I fancy myself a princess sometimes. Or not a princess, precisely. More a mixture of princess, daring herione, engenue, fairy, mythological goddess, and romanic lead- which I suppose is practically the same thing as engenue. I almost can't believe I just wrote that. I sound so vain and self-important. And maybe I am. I mean, I've been told a few times that my glasses are a shade too rosy and a little to bright to be realistic or quite condusive to my own good. And though this isn't really a matter of optimism, I'd say it could be a matter of idealizing and romanticizing, and a small multitude of other things that I struggle with. Something I really struggle with is balance. Relating to this case, I often disgust myself. I hate myself. I fear that I'm nothing, and I feel like I KNOW I'm nothing special. I won't use the vrious unflattering words and terms I could and have used to describe myself. And I'm not insolent or percocious enough to truly believe and think all of those lovely and brave and good things about myslef. I want to, I suppose. But I suppose most girls want to. But I am struck with reality. In glaring daylight, in full-lenght mirrors, in burning eyes, in the weight pressed down upon me and in defeated normalcy, reality clutches at me and tries to sink them. But at night while I"m thinking up delightful daydreams to replace the ones I so rarely remember while I sleep, in the galloping of a horse, gliding under a cool wave, in a stolen glance of my own eyes in the dege of a small mirror, and in the sky, my imagination is alive and my dreams are delightful. Well, we're taking off for a quick flight to Mykonos, after a mad dash through the Athens airport. I suppose this letter is lengthy, and after I'm done admiring the island veiw, I should try to work on my homework or write a letter to someone else. I love you terribly, and I miss you. God Bless, baby. Muah! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
9:13 pm	your love is gonna drown Don’t give the pain power. Ingest it, and watch it disappear. Attention only feeds the festering. There’s only so long that it can be ignored, but ignorance is not the only other option. See it, size it up, acknowledge its presence, and dig your fingers in and toss it out the window. Throw it far, far away. Don’t expect to see anything other than blank nothingness. Turn off that slow and melancholy resonating music- it’s riding on wavelengths that are not longer active, in actuality. You’re finding the creations of your own imagination in a never-ending, twisted game of hide and seek. For the sake of all mankind, SHUT UP. There’s nothing there. Everyone else is just fine, and in a moment, you will be, too. See? (Comment on this)
5:39 pm	Boston... As awesome as I initially thought it was, I have had my fill of "Yellow Submerine". Jade is signing it for her quarter project in ASL 1, and she basically has it on repeat. Actually, plain old repeat would be preferable to the whole stopping-starting-fragmented thing that's goin on right now. I took the dogs for a walk. I was just going to take Roux, since Lizzie isn't feeling well, but Lizzie followed us. I was just going to let her roam along with us, but she was making trouble. So I looped Roux's leash around her neck and held onto the middle part of the leash. It was like driving a team of horses or something, it was really fun. My parents keep giving me college advice. Or you know, nagging. Which really is something they EXCELL at. Seriously. It's just funny, because they honestly have no idea what they're talking about. Neither do I, I suppose. It seems like everyone is in a transitory phase. Is that the right word for, like... transitionary? I think that's actually it. Nobody's really standing still; we're all moving forward. But it's less of an abnormal journey and more of an "it goes, it goes" sort of thing. The days keep rolling in, and everyone keeps on taking them and doing fine, and we're all just steadily on course to something. I am fine where I am. But I am so excited for next year. I don't think it's going to be this miracle new start or anything. Just something that I'm ready for. I don't even know what "it" will be, where I'll end up, but God I'm praying... The past couple months feel like they've been an eternity. I think my time perception is off... But hey, there's always something too look forward to. At least, there is right now! I'm not really involved in any of it, but it's there. And I could be. I'm just not. Sure, there's the occassional fleeting desire to get totally wasted, but it is fleeting. And I probably wouldn't even if I could. Sometimes, I say things when I have nothing to say. I'm kinda funny like that. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
7:03 pm	it was so hard to walk away... Well I don't think anyone I talk to a whole bunch really reads the stuff on here or posts anymore... I honestly practically forgot about it. But oh well! I am such a work in progress. Every day I make mistakes and do things that I regret, but every day and every moment I'm also working to be more like the person I would love to be. I think it's so amazing that I have the ability to consider and weigh my options and attempt to realize the positive and negative things I do that are for or against my nature. Of course, not everything can be so simply defined as "positive" and "negative". Hm. That paragraph makes me seem like I think rationally and act on that rational thought a bit more than I actually do. Usually I just sort of "am". Maybe. I don't know. But one of the things I've really been thinking about and working on is loving people in the RIGHT way. Love became a bit of an obsession, but sometimes it's easy to to lose sight of the ideals and theories and truths at the center of obsessions. And then there's forgiveness. I've "tried" to forgive. I know I harbor bitterness about some things, and it felt like there were just little bits of pain and anger caught and snagged on my heart that I couldn't get rid of. But I really wasn't trying hard enough. There's a freedom in forgiveness. So though I've consciously forgiven people, I'm going to work until I've subconsciously forgiven people as well. Another thing I've been working on is boundaries. I've made quick and vast improvements in this area, and i'm quite impressed with myself. The only thing that makes me a bit uneasy is that I am losing a decent amount of feeling and passion. Of course in some respects, this is beneficial. But it also feels like it's getting to a point where I might not be able to reverse it if I wanted to. I never want to stop loving or lose compassion or passion. And I never want to be ordinary. I'm scared that those things might be happening. But I'm fine. Not fantastic, perhaps, but fine. And that is fine. I mean, that's good. So maybe this is just growing up, or maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Oh, and I've realized that I have a lack of sexuality. Like, I'm abnormally lacking in it. I really don't even have a desire to cuddle anymore. Not that it's GROSS or anything. It's just like, eh, whatever. It's odd. I'm odd. But I'm far more frightened of becoming normal than I am of staying odd. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 17th, 2006
9:56 pm	is sunshine always so fleeting? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
12:52 pm	God blesses me so much. Thank you for being a part of that blessing. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
10:16 pm	sooo. rep show case tomorrow night @ 7:30 and saturday night. 6 comedy scenes that are ALMOST funny. yay for all of you who are done with school! i hate you a little bit. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 28th, 2006
10:26 pm	soooo tommorw night (monday) is the second (and final) performance of anne frank, in Bridge Hall at the Neighborhood Congregational Church in Laguna. I will be playing Mrs.Frank. I learned the part in 2 rehearsals, so don't expect anything spectacular. I'm not sure how many tickets are left, since it's very limited seating, and i won't blame anyone for not coming to sit through the whole ordeal. but i thought i should let anyone who might be interested know, since i usually don't. it's at 7:30 and um Sam knows stuff. calllll meeee if you have questions. how are ya'all? (Comment on this)